the nature of love...

so, i read a really interesting post on the 100 hour board today about the nature of love. what does it all mean? what is it? how does it feel?

love is so complicated. and it's so many things i can't even begin to define them all. and when you're in love with someone, it changes everything. it changes how you look at the world and other people...

right now, love is kind of dicking me around, and it's killing me. the person i love more than anything is hard to get a hold of. i haven't REALLY talked to him in days. but how i feel for him continues to grow.

love can change. one day you may feel a platonic love for someone, and the next wake up and realize it's more than that. or it's less than that.

AH!! i'm confusing myself.

so...this is the only place i can talk about this right now, since none of my friends knows this exists.


my boyfriend is in china. and he has a lot of things wrong mentally. and they're not getting better while he's there. he's just doing so poorly. and he's been drinking more and now he's on valium, which is helping a little...but he's still not great.

and i feel so selfish for feeling this way, but he called a friend of ours the other day for her birthday, and he keeps writing these long LJ posts, but he hasn't emailed me in a really long time. like, i've emailed him, but no response. and dammit, that hurts. and i'm angry at him. i feel like he's trying to shut me out, but i don't understand why. ugh...

a what what??

yes, yes, i've given in and gotten a blog, in addition to my LJ. why? because i wanted to.